HEROES

Heroes are not born in Kryptonie and sent to the earth, nor are they born after a spider bite in a museum. Heroes are born out of ordinary men in extraordinary times. In times of extreme pressure only a few can stand and inspire the rest to be there. I happen to witness a few such Heroes during the last 14 days. We started by supporting another fight but ended up fighting it alone. The leaders no doubt were the back bone of this agitation but the volunteers who had came forward to sit in the hunger strike were the one who pumped the blood in all the members of the association in the 51 hours, which they survived without food. How far this agitation was successful in yielding fruits will be known in the times to come, but the bravery with which the battle was fought needs to be saluted. The involvement was widespread and tremendous. At times it became more emotional than a 8 PM "Saas Bahu" serial and at times exiting like a India-Australia 20-20 cricket match. There were critics and supporters alike but no one failed to stand united in the face of any challenge. A hero was beginning to be born in each and every member of the association. The spirit of this united group of members have won. I recall a poem written by one such hero way back in 2005 "White coat angel" in this moment as I see him fight, fast and fearlessly come forward for the cause of the mass. I am inspired and I hope others were also.

Vagus soul

songs of solitude in the ruins of the past
in a life that runs very fast
and nothing really lasts
and we all wear faces of plastic cast
so let me paint the canvas now fast
before memories are lost in rust
for i should remember just
what it ment to be me ............

CAMP

17th January 2000. That was when we all met for the first time. IS, Kallu, GKP, Raja and Mama ( thats me ).We were stuck in this holy profession of Health service since then. Little did we know that this long and demanding profession started with an even more boaring and hectic training in the Medical College.But what we gained was our frienship.

First year was our Embriology (the science of growing embryo) in this college and our friendship. Classes felt like latin,French, Gothic..... We were busy looking at and dreaming about our female classesmates. Gaurav was most handsome and had most sutors, thin to fat, fair to dark. IS ( Ishankur Saikia alis Invisible after Sunset) was all wise about the female fetale and warned us about the devilish nature of this gender. Raja gave a Damn and SHIT. He was just interested in Tiranga, pan masala and a good time. Me and kalu knew that we had to work hard for that impression. We tried our best to impress girls and ended up impressing them into being their best friends, so much so that they would discuss which guy they had a crush on. Kalu even had the reputation of being that guy with the lucky charm, a friendship with whom got girls to meet with the man of their dreams ( only, kalu was not their man of dreams but some one else !! ).

Slowly we realised that we had one thing in common. We were lazy. We bunked classes from 1 pm onwards, to come to CAMP. That was my room. It was an wooden room built by my great grand father where we used to watch movies and ate food/junk. We also played cards, poker and 29 was our favorites. We smoked , chatted, laughed for hours. Our weekend started on friday and continued till monday. We practically had 3 days in a week (tuesday, wednesday and thursday).

As days went by, we changed. IS was the first one to have a girlfriend and engagement. Gavrav became repulsive towords girls and became semi - monk. I learnt from my mistakes to commit the next mistake with a little more class. Kalu got the blessings of all the girls who meet their soulmate because of him.He still hopes that one day things will change for him. Raja upgraded from tiranga to Rajnigandha. He still gives a fcuk about girls.

IS is a budding surgon with the same impatience he had for food and movies. Gaurav who devotes his energy in staying awake for the least possible period of day has chosen the microscope to be the laziest pathologist in the face of this planet. Raja is the anasthesist in Kanpur who will inject anyone with hypnotics if they bug him. His mother is busy searching girls/brides for him though he still gives a **** ( you know what). Kalu is in Delhi. He has the most work experience and no girl. He still dreams of Manisha Koirala. I am blogging so you can guess how busy i am. Am in my final year of MD Medicine and am dying to get out of College.

On 5/5/2005 we made a promice to have a get-together on 10/10/2010. Am looking forward ....... To have a cheers "TO CAMP".

Mystery that you were

Mystery that you were
have been so

since we met.......

Secret that you were

have been so

still today......

Passion that you were

have been so

till when shall i say.........

Prayer that you were

have been so

unknowingly every day........

Pain that you were

have been so

more with every breath........

Love that you were

have been so

not a grain less......

ECG "Toaaaaaa de Pooaaaaa"

Well the Indian Society if Electrocardiography held a workshop in Guwahati where reputed Indian Dons of ECG had come to teach and conduct an exam there after on this subject. I was lucky enough to be part of a team selected from Dibrugarh to attend this workshop. It meant free travel, free food & accommodation in a 'some' star hotel and an excellent workshop on ECG. Never thought that ECG could reveal so much.
We also had a great fun, Debrajda was made the scapegoat management supervisor of the gang and named CAPTAIN. He was at the receiving end of all the jokes but digested it with "Honour and Glory" of a Scottish Blond. A new terminology for impending danger was discovered. Torsade de Pointes ( a condition of extreme emergency characterized by QT prolongation and named after a French ornament that resembles the ECG finding of this condition ) pronounced as 'Toosaad de Pooaaaaaaa'. For us it became Toaaaa de Pooaaaaaa. Our ECG exam was a total toaaaa de pooaaaa and our return journey was delayed as we lost track of time while shopping. So the journey after dinner to catch the Bus was also a toaaaa de pooaaaa. I with one of my friends saw the movie "Angels & Demons". It was great...... the Vatican had the toaaaaa de pooaaaaaa of its lifetime, at least in the movie. I also met one of my senior, who ( a Registrar in my college, transfered to Guwahati few months ago ) had married recently. He gave me a word of advice after congratulating me when he came to know that i have finally found a girlfriend. He said " marriage is a total loss of money and time..... but u need to get it over with". Seems like he had some serious toaaaaa de pooaaaaa during his marriage.
All the fun ended with the weekend and am back to my room now(Monday morning). Have to go to ward again...... this is when it starts again for me and my friends in Medicine Department. What else ? Toaaaaa de Pooaaaaaa.........

P.S. today evening when I went to the ICCU to call the ECG technician to do an ECG of a patient in our ward I serendipitously saw the first Torsade de Pointes patient of my life. A young female of 30 yrs was being given DC cardioversion repeatedly for Toaaaa de Pooaaaaaa which she developed after getting Magnesium sulphate. I guess I will never fail to diagnose a Toaaaa de Pooaaaaa now........

Bull-shit

Bullshit does not always taste like shit. It is often sugar coated. On the positive side, though sugar can cause diabetes and heart disease the bullshit is zero calorie. But that does not change the fact that bullshit is bullshit. To name a few Salman Khan movies, Saas Bahu serials, 20 news channels who run after a fantastic story which means nothing to me and you. On a serious note the Health Melas, the Government supply medicines, the idealism that is preached by any one with gray hairs, the Astha channel and the Q tv. The bombs going boom now and then just because a fool thought that it was his visa for heaven is the pure definition of bullshit. Reservation on the basis of cast and tribe instead of the economic condition, poverty and struggle is ox-shit. Himesh Reshamiya is horse shit. I am not a pessimist , I love Kate Winslet, Reality TV, American dream and Indian History, McDowell's no 1 and Dev D. I also love a lot of things that will be inappropriate to blog. But that doesnot change the fact that a bullshit is a bullshit.

BAAP bara ya RUPIYYA ?

Well that depends on kiska baap and kitna rupaiyya.... Seriously guys, when this enigmatic country of ours have given a mandate for economic stability even when the national terrorist attacks track record is at its best, its apparent that rupaiyya is definitely what the young India wants. The communists running after the multinational companies for investments, increasing number of karorpaties in Loksabha, Mutual funds at its all time highest and GDP being the new mantra of the Aam admi......One of my friend was getting postgraduate degree in a college in his hometown and the same in another college with thrice the pay. No prize for guessing his choice. Another cousin of mine was out chilling with his friends flaunting a T-shirt that said " MY DAD IS AN ATM ". So what about the Baaps. The genetic ones are threatened by the new ones who are loaded with the moolahhh.... They are the new Baaps.... Kingfisher baap, Reliance baap, Tata baap, Infosys baap etc. Most of my friends are out of their parental house and business with their new baaps from the Fortune's top 500 baaps of the world. Why am I pissed off ? One patient in our ward has been left to die by his sons who admitted him in hospital and ran away after that. Such things are not uncommon. Few days ago an article was published in India Today about cured patients in mental hospital left for years after discharge as the family members refused to take them back. Bagwan , Boothnath are a few movies on this concept by the baap of all times, the BIG B. The real reason ...? OK, I agree.... I along with the PG's of our college are amongst the lowest paid in this country that is catching up fast in the department of the RUPIYYA. So, all the netalogs, bhaiyos & behnos of my land 'show me the money' or else I have nothing to feel good about the "Jai Ho" which seems to be the song for Jamal only when he became a millionaire from a slumdog.

HUNGER

What do you think

I should do ?

Chase the dream

or chase the dreams ....

No, they are not the same.

Have you ever felt the pain

of longing for something

so bad that you don't care

how much it hurts

to get it.

its not love....

that's easy,

its not money

that's easier......

its not power

though that's not easy......

its the hunger

for more....

and more....

It doesn't end,

it consumes.......

but is rewarding.

I want

and there is nothing wrong in it

I will work for that....

Its a fare deal.

Am i a demon ?

of my own hunger.

well its an aim....

to fight for.

a goal to run for.........

I am HUNGRY.....

I am HUMAN....

Health Mela

The idea of "Mela" that i recall from my childhood memories is a place crowded by colourful people buying, selling, eating, laughing, shouting and running around. Some of them were in the bank of Brahmaputra to celebrate any festive occasions and some in a huge field called Chowkidingi feild.I remembered my fathers enthusiasm in every small mater and occasion. He was the one to drag us to such places and then repented taking us there as me and my sister insisted or rather cried over each and every thing we saw and eventually wanted. I loved the pink fluffy sugar candy's that would melt the moment taken inside the mouth. Well slowly as days passed i recall lesser and lesser number of Melas and i think they were genuinely being extinct.

Recently a new thing has come up. Health mela. Its a community health camp set by our government where doctors from various branches as well as various organisations are taken to a remote village where it has been already propagated that Doctors are coming for community service. I have been to several ( more than 10 ) of them in recent times.The concept is that all speciality doctors are brought to the door steps of the village people and free medicines are given.The medicines are mostly government made and frankly worthless. Most of them are placebos. Well, two types of patients come there.... one who were passing by and stopped for some free medicines and another group who wanted a magic medicine to be strong. The later group will come with the complaint of generalised weakness and pain all over the body. When few of the patient come with such problems i would like to think for a cause but when half of the patients come with the same problem its mass hysteria. Hardly any genuine patients come. Its always mass de-wormiong of the children and iron folic acid for the females of menstrual age group. Fungal infections in the skin are treated with ointments.

So much for health mela........ free food for the doctors and organisers, speech and those filmy promises of "neta logs" , and aspiring "party workers" to voo for votes. Petrol for the cars to bring the health force...... Big drama to give sugar coated bullshit to buy the trust or VOTE BANK of innocent and illiterate common rural man.

These health melas are government propaganda to show that they care, at the cost of cheap or at times wrong health care. Unjust use of antibiotics are and going to prove detrimental to the society in the near future. Mass concept about vitamins and iron tablets are going to make its abuse more and more in near future. People will prefer to visit a doctor who gives unjust and many medications and not those who will give precise and few medications...

As a part of my duty i have to go and pretend to be a part of this huge propaganda. I fear its consequences..... I am just a voice in the ocean of a big social misuse of our tax money to no benefit at all. All i can do is blog, its kind of a confession to a father in a church.

YES SIR

Well, the first thing I noticed about him was he had 4 buttons in his apron. He was tall. And bald. Now being a short fella, I have always dreamt of and been jealous of tall people. And the fact that he was a strict teacher who did mind at the smallest of the things like dress, behaviour etc made me at a distance from him in my undergraduate days. They said that he had the best academic Carrier in amongst our faculty members. But I was the novice young soul balancing academic scoreboard and falling in and out of love. I had no time to cultivate respect ( or for that matter hate ) for any teacher in those days. Days passed and he became balder as i grew wiser to realise what he was. A rare soul...... First i had friends who said that he was great and was worth idolising. I had my doubts and refused to give into complete surrender in the form of YES SIR in each and every thing. But i realised with time that he was worth much more. I have come to idolise him in a way of a silent surrender. I refuse to name him but he is worth a place high up in the memoirs of a Student in me.

I could not paint her beauty

The moon is full
with nothing to hide
nacked, beautiful
cloths thrown aside.
Her mother, the sky
tries again and again
to make her wear cloths
but all in vein.
Long clouds
short clouds
dark clouds
blue clouds.
She tries them all
one by one
only to emerge naked
when all is done.
The trees, the mountains
the river, the lake
all are in mystique
by the beauty up ahead.
They all are bathed
in her light tonight.
The air is blue
and the mood is right.
Witnessing this moment
alone drunk
with canvas, palate
and brush, I
wanted to capture
her essence
but to my
obvious expectation
I could not paint her beauty tonight......

A Fairy Tale

The moon was full but not complete..... a little left in the corner as if a painter has almost completed his art but trying to figure out where to give his last stroke. So the night was bright. Almost a full moon.... and most of the stars hid in the moon light and the rest went far away in the horizon in anger or jealousy.

We were on top of a mountain were the cold breeze was dancing in a soft tune of it's own.... It whispered in my ears songs that i had listened in my solitude in her thought. It was cold and windy..... the moon reflected in the river as sparkles of stardust.

There were a lot of lights in far off places were they were working on a bridge construction. It felt like a Isak Asimov Si-Fi novel, Star wars movie or a fairy tale castle on the other side of the river.....

And there She was.......uff, what do i say. Her face was brighter than the moon, hairs dancing with the wind if perfect rhythm, her eyes sparkling like two stars which had fallen from the sky tonight. She walked curling her hands inside her jacket like a baby totally unaware of the world being mesmerised around herself.

The moon realised why she was incomplete...... Tonight a piece of her was walking in the land with me. The wind was drunk and kept on dancing around her. The chill was the thrill the wind was having flirting with her. The castle was were a princess was missing and the lights were all around to search their princess.

I was speechless..... and mesmerised. Falling in love million times over.

Breast cancer or Guilt ?

I was told by sir that a new patient was admitted in the paying cabin and it meant that i have to look after that patient. I went to the room and knocked.... the door opened and a young tall man welcomed me with hopeful eyes and introduced me to his wife who was the patient. She was a young lady with pale look and puffy face. I asked her about her problem and on detailed examination came to know that she is a post operative case of Breast cancer. She was operated 4 years ago and after that she had taken two cycles of chemotherapy and and radiotherapy. Now she was having respiratory difficulty. A CT Scan was done and it showed that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The left lung is full of fluid and collapsed. The right lung is working but it also has been infiltrated by cancer cells. In X-ray they call it "Cannon Balls". Ironic, as they really are cannon balls waiting to explode in the lungs......

After few tests and days it was clear that she was in her last stage and nothing much could be done from our part. One day I tried to drain out some fluid but after 300-400 ml she had more distress. So we decided that Oxygen inhalation and some minimum medications including some pain killers would do....

Her name is Mrs Mona Saikia. She is 34 years only. 34 .

She is fair. She must have been very attractive in her teens... any one can tell. She still is. Even with all these chemotherapy drugs and radiotherapy she still holds a glowing face.

One evening I got a call that she is having respiratory distress and ran to see her. I gave her some medications and then called the husband outside to explain him the situation.

I started politely " by this time you must know that there nothing much that can be done and her days in the world are numbered ...... I mean...."

" You mean that she will not be cured ?"

" No.... didn't you know ?"

"No sir..... I had no idea that she is going to die..... is this disease recent or was it before my marriage ? "

"How long have you been married ?"

" 3 years "

" and when did she had her operation ?"

" 4 years...... " his eyes were moist, voice trembling and softened... " actually sir, i must have been tricked into the marriage. She never told me that she had this disease..... I feel bad for her but i also feel that i have been cheated......"

I was shocked and sad for this man but ashamed of this awkward situation i said that i had another patient to see..... I left as soon as possible. Then I avoided the patient and her husband for next few days until one day sir told me to go see her.... her elder sister had come. She is a trained nurse working in a Civil hospital. Apparently she is the one who has been paying for all the expenses of treatment. So she has the say in the major decisions. So when I talked with her she told "We have done a lot for her in the past 4 years and even though i know she would live for few years only but we never stoped trying. In fact we gave her the best treatment money can buy in this place but who can undo the fate.... She had a life, she got married that also a love marriage...... bla bla bla ( wait. what ? she had a love marriage ? but the husband said that he was tricked in to marriage....) we asked the surgeon that will she be cured and the surgeon said that she may get 10 years of life after the operation... we removed the breast, we even implanted an artificial breast but that became bad and we had to remove that also..... we gave the costliest drugs in chemotherapy and also gave radiotherapy...... but who can undo fate ?"

" Have you ever considered taking her back to home and let her live the rest of her life along with her near and dear ones......" I tried to convince her elder sister to her away as she had no hope and an unnecessary burden on us. Extra duty to visit the paying cabin.

" She doesn't want to go back..... She wants to die here......" she started crying and again I had to run away. Those eyes were wet but also looking down.... she did not look at me for once.....I saw guilt or penance, love or duty, anger or frustration....... I still wonder ....

I grew more unemotional.... I visited her each day... Just asked her about the medications, respiratory distress, what did she eat and did she pass stool. I also jokes once a while that she looked good. I kept the stethoscope in her chest and said the right lung seems Ok. What i meant was that the left one is gone and the right one is about to.....

Today after the normal visit the husband came up to me and said that can i provide some medicines from the hospital as he is having some financial problems. I just casually asked him " What do you do ? "

"Nothing sir, for the last 3 years i have been attending my wife. I have been in and out of hospitals and doing all that has to be done, for HER."

"Didn't you know that she had a breast cancer and as i have come to know you had a love marriage..."

" Yes sir it was a love marriage.... I came from Majuli to work in Sivsagarh. That was where I met her.... we came close and I started having some feelings for her. She told me that she had a disease in her left breast but she got operated for that. It was fine now..... then she used to call me and tell me to her away. She kept on telling me repetitively to take her with me and one day I eloped with her. I cant blame anyone sir. My parents had great expectations from me as i was the eldest son and had problem with this marriage as i am 'Kalita' and she is 'Ahum'. My parents never accepted this inter cast marriage but i didn't listen to them. I eloped with her. I thought that she had a disease and it will be cured within few months, at least that's what she told me. Neither she or her elder sister ever told me that what she had was CANCER. She will not live long..... What right did she have to destroy my life .....sir ? I feel bad and Cheated... sir. I cant blame anyone but how could she do this to me, me ..... who left the whole world for her..... how could she do this to me ? how could she cheat me like this ?

I saw her next time and asked how is she feeling. She said she is having respiratory distress. the air seemed thick and didn't go in...... Was it the Cancer or Guilt ?

Her elder sister wants to give her a life..... at the cost of what ? .............The best medicines money can buy and the best lie guilt can buy ?

Her husband wants an answer to why he has been cheated ? ..... The best excuse to defend his act of elope against the will of his parents or the best penance for love he lost to fate

She wants to live and die in the paying cabin..... Is she dying of breast cancer or guilt of loving the love of her life ?

She cant breath...... or she doesn't want to? Neither she asked nor planed for this fate. She is just living it.... ever breath at a time with the weight of a lifetime of hope and guilt.

New Year

Dim red light.... Bollywood songs in a plasma TV..... wavy interiors.... spotted lights in the celling.... smoky environment..... an ideal Bar. Exactly what I wanted..... let me rewind first. today is 9th day of a new year and i have no resolutions and no directions to look ahead ( or backwards ). People celebrated the new year like a new beginning ( though every day is the first day of the rest of your life ) but I have celebrated it like a drinking festival. It started on 25th December ( the song LAST CHRISTMAS I GAVE YOU MY HEART, THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY and bla bla bal...(yes BAL) is very symbolic and dear to my heart and I do make it a point to be in touch with my emotional core that day ) and has been continuous since then in the name of various occasions. Some day it was with my roommate taking a break from the hectic life of the boredom and some day it was just free wine/whisky/beer/vodka in someones room( a price you pay to listen to the nonsense that people want to let out of their trapped soul). some day it was a picnic and some day it was a party. Some parties were birthday types, some were given by companies ( Pharmaceutical companies give us parties so that we write their products.... we write the products thinking of the good times we had). And of course we had the New Year party on 31st.

But today was different. I have been having some trouble in the last few days..... I had a fight with a senior in my department when i was drunk ( the point was logical but i was drunk and hence condemned) . I regretted and talked with him the next day...... God knows if he understood or not. Next I had a fight with another good friend of mine. She hated me, cried and our friendship almost came to an end. I think we recovered but something in it died. And then yesterday i scolded a junior who was once my student very badly..... reason ? I am still tiring to figure it out....

So I realised that i have been drinking too much and this is the time to check. That's when I met Tony ( Tanoy Bose ) who has been a part of my drunk fest who said "Lets go to a bar". YES was the answer and next thing I know is I am with him in this beautiful bar H2O. Tanoy is a RKM student like me ( Ramkrishna Mission Vidyalaya....he was in Purulia and I was in Narendrapur). We both had a very disciplined schooling and a very rigorous training that makes us a little different from the crowd. We both are Scorpios and hence very competitive in nature. We both are Bengali and hence very shroud. We both are doctors and hence very patient. We are posted in MU VII and hence frustrated.... Only thing is that he is going to marry his girlfriend on 23th of this month and my girlfriend is going to marry her boyfriend very soon. One of my another friend whom i met in Delhi is going to marry on 17th feb....

We entered the bar expecting to drink beer and talk stuff..... just adda. Once inside we ordered two strong beer and plunged in the lounge. Suddenly he took out a smoke ( he is a chimney by the way.... i think his lungs are like mosquito nets.... arteries atherosclerosed like Indian roads in rainy season ) when I remembered that they have HOOKAHS here. " hey Tony, would you like to have a Hookah ? " " Why Not ?, lets try..." so came the Blackberry flavoured Hookah, Strong beer, department, life, girlfriends, to be wives, could be wives, others wives, smoke, beer piss, more beer and more hookah..... resolutions took a back seat and various experiments of taking hookah became the interesting thing to do.... fast breaths, slow inhales, half inhales, deep inhales...... the dim red light became sparkling and wavy and the girls in the plasma TV became bar girls..... then suddenly came a video with topless girls and we had meiosis. Pupils dilated and so did the eye lids... I grabbed the hookah pipe from Tony's hand and took a deep breath, pulled it and accidentally the long pipe of hookah pushed the beer Jar in the floor..... crash.... it fell. We did it again.... We have now become experienced in breaking Glasses in Bars. I was saying Sorry but my eyes were still glued to the plasma TV topless girls..... we waited for that song to finish, checked out the next song ( if it has some more masal or not ?) and then gracefully paid the bill ( we also shamefully tried to pay for the broken glass but they refused .... i paid extra tip to the waiter and a 10 buck to the darwan ). we came back to the hostel and played Table Tennis. I watched a little porn and went to sleep.

New years come and go...... Resolutions are shit until u r in deep shit. Men will be men.... philosophy is good in books and even better with beer/whisky/vodka/rum..... rest of the life is in the moment... life is worth all of it.