Breast cancer or Guilt ?

I was told by sir that a new patient was admitted in the paying cabin and it meant that i have to look after that patient. I went to the room and knocked.... the door opened and a young tall man welcomed me with hopeful eyes and introduced me to his wife who was the patient. She was a young lady with pale look and puffy face. I asked her about her problem and on detailed examination came to know that she is a post operative case of Breast cancer. She was operated 4 years ago and after that she had taken two cycles of chemotherapy and and radiotherapy. Now she was having respiratory difficulty. A CT Scan was done and it showed that the cancer had spread to her lungs. The left lung is full of fluid and collapsed. The right lung is working but it also has been infiltrated by cancer cells. In X-ray they call it "Cannon Balls". Ironic, as they really are cannon balls waiting to explode in the lungs......

After few tests and days it was clear that she was in her last stage and nothing much could be done from our part. One day I tried to drain out some fluid but after 300-400 ml she had more distress. So we decided that Oxygen inhalation and some minimum medications including some pain killers would do....

Her name is Mrs Mona Saikia. She is 34 years only. 34 .

She is fair. She must have been very attractive in her teens... any one can tell. She still is. Even with all these chemotherapy drugs and radiotherapy she still holds a glowing face.

One evening I got a call that she is having respiratory distress and ran to see her. I gave her some medications and then called the husband outside to explain him the situation.

I started politely " by this time you must know that there nothing much that can be done and her days in the world are numbered ...... I mean...."

" You mean that she will not be cured ?"

" No.... didn't you know ?"

"No sir..... I had no idea that she is going to die..... is this disease recent or was it before my marriage ? "

"How long have you been married ?"

" 3 years "

" and when did she had her operation ?"

" 4 years...... " his eyes were moist, voice trembling and softened... " actually sir, i must have been tricked into the marriage. She never told me that she had this disease..... I feel bad for her but i also feel that i have been cheated......"

I was shocked and sad for this man but ashamed of this awkward situation i said that i had another patient to see..... I left as soon as possible. Then I avoided the patient and her husband for next few days until one day sir told me to go see her.... her elder sister had come. She is a trained nurse working in a Civil hospital. Apparently she is the one who has been paying for all the expenses of treatment. So she has the say in the major decisions. So when I talked with her she told "We have done a lot for her in the past 4 years and even though i know she would live for few years only but we never stoped trying. In fact we gave her the best treatment money can buy in this place but who can undo the fate.... She had a life, she got married that also a love marriage...... bla bla bla ( wait. what ? she had a love marriage ? but the husband said that he was tricked in to marriage....) we asked the surgeon that will she be cured and the surgeon said that she may get 10 years of life after the operation... we removed the breast, we even implanted an artificial breast but that became bad and we had to remove that also..... we gave the costliest drugs in chemotherapy and also gave radiotherapy...... but who can undo fate ?"

" Have you ever considered taking her back to home and let her live the rest of her life along with her near and dear ones......" I tried to convince her elder sister to her away as she had no hope and an unnecessary burden on us. Extra duty to visit the paying cabin.

" She doesn't want to go back..... She wants to die here......" she started crying and again I had to run away. Those eyes were wet but also looking down.... she did not look at me for once.....I saw guilt or penance, love or duty, anger or frustration....... I still wonder ....

I grew more unemotional.... I visited her each day... Just asked her about the medications, respiratory distress, what did she eat and did she pass stool. I also jokes once a while that she looked good. I kept the stethoscope in her chest and said the right lung seems Ok. What i meant was that the left one is gone and the right one is about to.....

Today after the normal visit the husband came up to me and said that can i provide some medicines from the hospital as he is having some financial problems. I just casually asked him " What do you do ? "

"Nothing sir, for the last 3 years i have been attending my wife. I have been in and out of hospitals and doing all that has to be done, for HER."

"Didn't you know that she had a breast cancer and as i have come to know you had a love marriage..."

" Yes sir it was a love marriage.... I came from Majuli to work in Sivsagarh. That was where I met her.... we came close and I started having some feelings for her. She told me that she had a disease in her left breast but she got operated for that. It was fine now..... then she used to call me and tell me to her away. She kept on telling me repetitively to take her with me and one day I eloped with her. I cant blame anyone sir. My parents had great expectations from me as i was the eldest son and had problem with this marriage as i am 'Kalita' and she is 'Ahum'. My parents never accepted this inter cast marriage but i didn't listen to them. I eloped with her. I thought that she had a disease and it will be cured within few months, at least that's what she told me. Neither she or her elder sister ever told me that what she had was CANCER. She will not live long..... What right did she have to destroy my life .....sir ? I feel bad and Cheated... sir. I cant blame anyone but how could she do this to me, me ..... who left the whole world for her..... how could she do this to me ? how could she cheat me like this ?

I saw her next time and asked how is she feeling. She said she is having respiratory distress. the air seemed thick and didn't go in...... Was it the Cancer or Guilt ?

Her elder sister wants to give her a life..... at the cost of what ? .............The best medicines money can buy and the best lie guilt can buy ?

Her husband wants an answer to why he has been cheated ? ..... The best excuse to defend his act of elope against the will of his parents or the best penance for love he lost to fate

She wants to live and die in the paying cabin..... Is she dying of breast cancer or guilt of loving the love of her life ?

She cant breath...... or she doesn't want to? Neither she asked nor planed for this fate. She is just living it.... ever breath at a time with the weight of a lifetime of hope and guilt.